i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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