She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
