I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
