standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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