Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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