naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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