I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
