I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
