Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
