so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
