this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
