Sry I called you an 8
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
