can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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