Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
