He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
