Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
