Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I smell stomach acid.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
