Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
