i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
