I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
