wat bout pragnant strippers??
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
