____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
