You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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