you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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