i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
