I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My pussy is not your playground.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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