My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
