I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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