cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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