He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
