even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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