so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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