like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
