The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
