every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
