I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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