1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
