the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
