Your dad touched me again.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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