sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Every concussion has its silver lining
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
