thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
