took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
