Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
