Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
