Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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