Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
