at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
