I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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