drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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