I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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